Somehow aku tergerak nak wat entry yang sekian lama aku tahan untuk publish kat sini....a suicide note....dengar perkataan tu pun dah meremang bulu roma....but, selepas aku follow blog sorang nih dalam wordpress.com semalam, ternyata 'suicidal compulsion' ni disebabkan oleh pelbagai faktor nyata yang membuatkan si pelakunya tersangat nekad untuk melakukannya, it is not about hallucination or whatsoever...dan terus aku menyelongkar almariku, mencari sebuah fail dimana tempatku simpan sekeping copy suicide note dari seorang manusia bergelar sahabat...and here is some of the word:-
In this life, there is nothing that you hoped will actually come true as you imagine…
All the frustration I had in these past few weeks had merge my body and soul for the longest period of time since for so long…
I only hoped that this will not become my breaking point and I can continue to Contribute..
But as matters worsens, I may do things in a suicidal compulsion…
I just hoped it won’t be too quickly..
Anyway.. anyone that reads this.. If I finally departed.. I wish to make sure my family knows EVERYTHING there is to know about me… Even if it was the worst of me.. that was who I am…
God would send me to hell for all that I’ve done but who cares when it was too late anyway…
so that will be my good bye and I hoped it wouldn’t be soon but not too long as well… Living is HARD…
Ni lah petikan dari suicide note orang tuh, aku tak nak petik the whole note and also blog entrynya, coz kena honour la jugak si empunya nota ni...honouring the owner of the note is the must in this case coz he ACTUALLY DID IT, bukan memain coz he really done that thing some months ago....ketika aku terbaca kisah suicide note's owner neh kat surat khabar, aku tergamam, terpaku, terpana, terkelu lidah dan terkejut, coz aku really2 tak sangka yang dia bebetul buat....aku ingatkan dia bergurau, time kitorang keluar outing memalam ramai2 kira-kira sebulan sebelum kejadian....
Live our life to the fullest guys, maybe tonite is the last time we met, gathered and cheered up like now.....not now, not tomorrow but soon enough kita semua akan busy wat keja masing2, got no other time to see each other, perhaps never.....tonite I feel like I'm no longer a human being but more to a section in the middle of human, animal and ghost....coz tonite we are gonna pump the floor!!!! (in a happy crazy tone)
All those word of his neh, bila dibaca sepintas lalu, memang kita akan fikir yang dia ni 'orang tak sekolah' coz pada pendapat awal, kita akan sangka dia neh 'got no more idea to survive'.... but then again, he actually is a university student, got a good pointer, have a wide vision in front of him and for the record, he committed suicide inside the university compound....he has the high aim in life, but something unexplainable has strangled and pulled him down....
Ramai yang condemn tindakannya ni, so am I as well, but lepas aku terima notanya selepas tuh, aku terkesima sekejap....all I can say is:- Why oh why, my friend, for the sake of love of a mother to her child, that you do this thing without seeking a consultation from us??? Are we offending you in anyway???.....to late to say so coz aku terima nota tuh 5 weeks after the tragedy, one note on a piece of paper, passed down from one friend of his to another friend.... I still keep the copy of that note, for the record once again....aku simpan kemas2 dalam fail, nobody knows about it accept me....
And now, aku di KK, tanah kelahirannya....dan aku sentiasa mengintai peluang untuk melawat pusaranya, and some say that his tomb is located at Mile 3, Jalan Tuaran-Penampang.....hermmm.....
p/s:- In a memory of SCM (1990-2011)
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